It's hard to know where to start. I have so much to say about so many things. I desired to start this blog because I felt it would be healing to write out our story and allow others to read it. Our story has so many chapters already and I imagine I'll write them each when I'm ready.
Today I want to begin by writing about our family. Right now there are three people in our family. We hope there are more members in our family someday, but there will never be less than three. I am 20 weeks pregnant with our first baby. My husband and I love our son with all of our hearts. We have named him William Daniel. His name was chosen with purpose and I will write more about that in the future. Baby William is our precious gift from God. We already know him in such a special way. I'm eager to share more of his story.
My husband and I got married in 2007. We knew that God had designed us each to be parents and couldn't wait to begin that journey together. We also knew that it wouldn't be a simple one. As we knowingly faced a battle against infertility, we clung to Jeremiah 29:11 (it's written out beneath the title of this blog). We even had it inscribed on the inside of our wedding bands. Committing ourselves to God's plan for our life is an irreplaceable part of our commitment to one another. We hold on to the truth that God has our future in His hands and that future is one of hope.
I plan to share many chapters of our story, but today I will focus only on the recent main events. Over the past six weeks, a series of dates have become painful, but important parts of our family's story.
On August 24th, during a routine ultrasound, they told us that William is very sick and may not survive. We began a journey filled with uncertainty, fear, and sadness.
On August 31st, we went in for testing to find out more.
On September 12th, they called us with news that our baby is a boy and he has normal chromosomes. He was still in great danger, but we rejoiced in this piece of good news and named him William Daniel.
On September 22nd, during a follow-up ultrasound, they told us that William is extremely sick and will not survive. The things they told us were devastating. We grieved, our hearts feeling shocked and broken.
On September 30th, we went to CHOP to find out more. They treated us with compassion and respect. With sadness in their eyes, they confirmed that William cannot survive his condition. They know more information about why he is so sick, but they will continue to work with us to find out as much as possible.
Our family is now in an in-between place. We believe that God is fully capable of doing a miracle in William's body, but we also know that may not be His plan. We sense that we need to prepare to say goodbye.
As my belly grows and I feel William move throughout the day, I experience joy mingled with pain. There are moments of true anguish within my heart...moments where I'm unable to find words to describe my sorrow. But William's diagnosis has not changed my love for him. If anything, I love him more than I ever could have loved him at 20 weeks. His short life is and will forever be full of value and significance. He is our first child and he is dearly loved. I will love and honor him all the days of his life and all the days beyond.
My husband, William, and I became a family the moment William's life began.
I will forever be a mother.
My husband will forever be a father.
William will forever be our first son.
No matter what happens, we are forever a family.