If We Could Talk

If we could talk, I would tell you that the ache of missing you is still there. 
The intensity fluctuates, but it's ever present.  I miss you.  Every day.

If we could talk, I would tell you that sometimes I see little boys with dark hair and sweet smiles and I wonder.  Would you look like them?     

If we could talk, I would tell you that I can't erase doctor visits and ultrasound appointments from my phone's calendar, even though the memory is full.  It hurts to let go of anything related to you, because I had to let go of you.

If we could talk, I would tell you that when I see little blue birds I think about you.  They remind me that God takes care of us.  His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches over you and me. 

If we could talk, I would tell you that your sister's presence in my life is like a healing balm on my wounds.  And even though she is here, I never forget that you are not.  You are irreplaceable.

If we could talk, I would tell you that losing you was the worst thing that has ever happened to me.  When I have flashbacks of saying goodbye to you, I gasp.  Memories of your death make me cry, but memories of your life make me smile.

If we could talk, I would tell you that sometimes I struggle with guilt.  I question if feeling happy with your sister means I've left you behind.  But I realize that when we made the decision to try to have another baby, we were choosing to let our hearts love again...and love is always the right choice.

If we could talk, the most important thing I would say is I love you.  Always.